Here's another post I wrote awhile ago and never felt quite ready to post. A couple of conversations about this recently brought it to mind. I'm taking a step of faith and posting this during a season where the grumbling seems to be winning over the contentment and I need to remember. Remember.
Last
spring, God came through for us in a big way. He answered a big prayer
of the previous six months, even longer. A prayer that was starting to
feel overlooked, unheard... But that’s a story for another post, one
where I get to testify of God’s goodness to us. However, today I want
to talk about “unanswered” prayers.
Here’s
the context: The prayer God answered last spring was in the form of a
job for me. We so clearly saw God’s hand in it, His loving, caring,
perfect provision, that I was humbled out of grumbling. How dare I
grumble at how good God has been to me?... In awe of his daddy care for
us.
And
then someone told me that they were praying that I wouldn’t have to
work. The person who told me that is a prayer warrior and someone who
loves us immensely (my mom!). Another dear friend and sister in prayer
happened to mention that she was praying for the same thing: that I
would be able to stay home with my children and care for my home. I did
not ask anyone to pray for these things. I didn’t dare pray them for
myself after seeing how God had provided. Did I dare pray that He would
take away what He had so generously provided? It seemed so ungrateful.
What to do?
This
fall Matt and I re-evaluated our situation. How was is going for him
to be home most of the time and for me to be working full-time? How was
it impacting each of us? Our children? Our home? Our progress on other
goals? It seemed to be working, but sometimes felt a bit less than
ideal. We tentatively began to pray that God would provide the right
job for Matt. Someone (hi Rachel!) asked us how they could pray for us,
and we included this on the list, stated ever so gingerly, “if it’s
God’s will,” of course.
This
whispered prayer, as of today, remains unanswered. We haven’t gone
looking for ways for God to answer it, instead trusting that if He
desires to change our current situation, He will.
On
the other hand, I see God answering this prayer daily. He answers it
most days by providing daily contentment in our current situation. He
answers it by giving me a husband who has risen to the challenge of his
current role (potty training! time outs! teaching a baby how to sleep in
her bed! mastering the grocery shopping with three kids in tow! making
me feel welcome, loved, and cared for when I return home from work!
making sure I have time to spend with our children!). He answers it by
giving us a baby who doesn’t fight a bottle from daddy most days and
sons who look forward joyfully to “daddy days.” He answers it by
providing me with meaningful, stimulating work and joy in doing it well.
He even blesses above and beyond with a flexible schedule that allows
for me to be home one weekday each week.
And
yet... there are days when I still grumble, when I think that things
could be better if God answered it “my way.” The days when I wonder if
the prayer is unanswered. Surely the Sovereign God could provide a job
that would use my husband’s gifts for His Kingdom, that would allow Matt
to work outside the home. Certainly He could arrange a situation where
we could pay the bills and I could stay home and bake bread and clean
the bathroom and read books with my children to my heart’s content.
Maybe
the answer is “not yet.” Maybe this is part of the way he is growing
my desire to build a home in India, where my role will be more at home.
Maybe he has more for each of us to learn in these roles. Maybe he has
more ways to use us in this season.
And
so I continue to speculate about what God is doing behind the scenes; I
celebrate the days when I see the good work he is doing; and I and pray
for grace on the days when I want to grumble.
