Expecting it, waiting for it: bum-bum. bum-bum. bum-bum.
Giddy, remembering the first time I heard it from your brothers. It had blown me away. A moment sealed in my memory. Today I am more prepared. And I wait for it:
As the wait lengthens, I remember words quickly spoken, last night before going to sleep.
Said too lightly, never believed.
The silence continues.
Finally the pain comes. I wish for more. Enough to fill the gaping wound. Enough to alert the world.
They tell me I will see you some day.
I hear the cliche. Does it comfort or confuse?
I silence my questions.
Dear one, I'm sorry.
For my fear.
For my ambivalence.
For my silence:
Do not think it was shame.
Do not think I did not love you enough to say your name.
The sun rises.
Your brothers ask for their morning milk and snuggles.
And I will speak your name: Baby C